My Man of Many Talents

A rebuttal of sorts.

I am a lucky girl. Brett is one talented man. Besides his obvious talent for exaggeration, evident by his blog about my mercurial moods, he also has a slew of abilities and attributes that not everyone might appreciate:

• He knows everything. Even if he doesn't, he does. At least he thinks he does.
  
• His command of the art of procrastination rivals mine. That says a lot.
• He has an amazing ability to keep things interesting and challenging. Usually this ability is augmented when beer and or whiskey is involved. Like the time he decided to leave the safety of friends and wander the unknown streets of Chiang Mai in a blind inebriated daze searching for our hotel for an undetermined amount of time until a friend happened upon him in a tuk-tuk and brought him back to the hotel at which time he discovered that his wallet which contained the only ATM card to access ALL of our money was no longer attached to its chain. He stumbled back in around 3 am. Yeah. Haha. That was fun. One night in Bangkok, as the song goes, he fell asleep on a friends balcony only to come back into the apartment convinced he was working, still at school and that those of us sleeping were sick children in the sick bay that doesn't exist in our school. He walked out of the apartment, dazed and looking for a way to leave the school. He at some point in his wanderings up and down the halls realized he was not in school but then could not remember which door he came out of to come back into the apartment. A special talent, indeed.
  
• He matches my stubbornness. We might be the only couple who have spent an entire 1 hour bus ride going back home in the following manner. Brett: demanding I give him the phone. Myself: refusing to do so until he said "please". I spent an entire hour ignoring him as he demanded the phone non-stop through "Gimme the phone" songs - mostly remakes of old guns n roses songs, repeating the same phrase in different pitches and tones, and making up rhymes. Luckily buses in Bangkok traffic are loud. I don't think our fellow passengers suffered as much as we did.
• His powers of concentration and OCD behavior when it comes to puzzles and games is unnerving. I could leave him alone for hours, days even, and come back to find him still playing scramble, scrabulous, or whatever word game or puzzle he is currently obsessed with. His ears do not hear. I could shout up and down screaming the house was on fire and maybe 10 minutes later he would mumble, "What?" and wonder to himself why his feet were so warm.
  
• He pushes me to improve myself. He knows about my secret desire to be an international assassin, capping off and slicing through those responsible for atrocities with my hitori hanzo sword. I am often inspired by the action scenes (but NOT the plot) of the latest angelina jolie movie. Death proof was particularly galvanizing to improve my drop kicks to the head. I also tend to express my appreciation for people through more unorthodox ways. Fake sucker punches to the stomach are my way of saying I care. Only certain personalities bring this out. Randy is one. Luke is one. Brett, by way of being the only person with me most of the time, is one by default. Knowing this. He still says things to me like, "I want you to see 300." It's as if he wants me to really perfect my artillery of fake death inducing moves. He does, however, actually bother to wonder aloud as to why I spend the following week practicing slicing his guts out and beheading him.
  

But beyond all of these wonderful attributes, Brett's crowning achievement is his ability to stay horizontal for prolonged periods of time. An entire day even. 12 hours of sleep a day? Chump change to Brett. Not when there are 24 hours for the taking! When left to his own devices, the amount of time that that man spends laying down is astounding, asleep or awake. Those of you who know me might say, "Now, not so fast, Maya." But really. In this matter, the man puts me to shame. He has an unparalleled flair for utilizing cushioned flat surfaces, and should I ever buy a card reader for the memory stick in my phone, photographic evidence shall be offered up.

Of course his crowning achievement isn't really his ability to stay horizontal, impressive as it may be. It's his generosity, kind-heartedness, patience, level-headedness, integrity, and all the other gooshy wonderful things about him, not least of which is his willingness to put up with me.

Ode to our (hopefully) future home.

As I've mentioned before, our cozy little nook of Bangkok has been much better than anticipated. I like our apartment, and all the people who work in it. I like the food and have found where to buy mango sticky rice. I like my Thai lessons, despite the fact that I haven't become miraculously fluent after 3 lessons as previously hoped. I expected to hate every second of being in Bangkok. I don't. In point of fact, I like it.
But I love Krabi. Our recent vacation to Krabi and Tonsai reminded me of all the reasons I left the hustle and bustle of Japan and came to Thailand. Brett and I spent a day of our vacation checking out Krabi on motorcycle. What follows are my unfair comparisons.

Bangkok Traffic: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more exhausting, hot, and grey. Bangkok has gazillions of motorcycles, motorcycles taxis, regular taxis, songtaews, buses, private commuter vans, cars, tuk-tuks, and the occasional suicidal pedestrian trying to cross four lanes of traffic instead of using the pedestrian bridge (we admit to joining their ranks on occasion). They are all vying for the same 1 m² of free space in which to wedge their vehicle of choice in order to cut off the driver who dared to allow said space to exist and thereby advancing half a meter closer to their destination while gagging on the carcinogenic accumulation of exhaust fumes. Krabi's traffic, however, is actually like a good, lazy summer's day.

Where Bangkok is like a flash flood carrying with it sewage and jewels, Krabi is a peaceful brook. Bangkok is a cacophony of horns, vender calls, rushing cars, trains passing overhead, stereos blasting and public aerobics being conducted on the street corner with instructions assailing you over giant speakers along with badly remixed Spanish dance songs. Krabi is the whisper of a breeze, the lapping of waves against boats and docks. To be fair, there was still the occasional but wholly ESCAPABLE audio assault as you pass the main market. Bangkok is a collage of astronomically expensive, mouth watering luxurious high rise condos and office buildings, high fashion shopping malls, dilapidated buildings, beggars, business men, prostitutes, students, tourists galore, billboards, discos, karaoke bars, mom and pop shops selling random household necessities, 5 star restaurants and and endless streets of outdoor food stalls. Bangkok has everything (except an affordable climbing gym). Krabi does not. Its a simple child's drawing of a couple of buildings and some trees. It's lovely. It's a drawing I can't wait to live in.

Click here for photos.

The Mercurial Moods of Miss Maya Marie

We have now been living in Thailand for almost four months. Since the beginning of this adventure we have been together approximately 99.9% of the time.

I would say that constitutes a large majority of time to be spent with any one person.

We live together, shop together, eat together, work together, travel together, clean together, argue together, make friends together, and get sick together. In the process of this 'togetherness' I have learned a lot of things about Miss Maya that I had not known about during the first year of our relationship. They are as follow:

• Any time Maya would like to do something she lets me know by asking me if it is something that I would like to do. For example, "Hey, Brett, do you want to get a massage?", "Hey, Brett, do you want to have vegetables for dinner?", "Hey, Brett, are you hungry? Do you want to get some lunch?", "Hey, Brett, do you want to stay in tonight and watch that movie in Spanish?", "Hey, Brett, do you want to go downtown and get a bikini wax?".
  
• She uses this same tactic whenever there is something she wants me to do. For example, "Hey, Brett, do you want to get up and do the dishes?", "Hey, Brett, do you want to do laundry today?", "Hey, Brett, do you want to update your resume?", "Hey, Brett, do you want to pay more attention to me?".
  
• Maya is obsessed with how her hair looks. The problem is that I have not yet been able to develop the ability to determine what exactly the parameters are for a 'good' hair day and a 'bad' hair day. Her hair consistently looks the same to me, black and curly.
  
• She gets suddenly sensitive in the middle of conversations in which we are both viciously poking fun at each other.
  
• I can go from being her hero to being a man who never does anything in a period of about 27 seconds, depending on how I answer her questions about what it is I want to do.
  
• She doesn't like demands.
• She doesn't like it when I point out that she makes demands.
• She also doesn't like it when I spend the hour and a half bus ride home telling her to give me the phone over and over and over again.
  
• When she decides to pinch, it leaves bruises for weeks.
  
• It is ok if I sleep when she is sleeping or if she is sleeping while I am awake, but it is not ok if I am sleeping while she is awake.
  
• Kindergarten children have a profound effect on her state of mind and her ability to communicate.
  
• I am supposed to understand what the words mean, and what she means by the words.
• I am expected to learn how to tolerate random and unexplainable punches, stabs, karate chops, and Judo moves, usually directed at my stomach, without responding negatively.
  

With all this in mind, I think there are very few people that I could have made this trip with and still like. With all the ups and downs of the past six months it is truly amazing that we are still willing spend most of our time together. Hell, its amazing that we still enjoy talking to each other on a regular basis.
I am also sure that there will be a rebuttal to this forthcoming, so hang on to your hats, I am sure it will be good.

The Fates shine down upon us...at least temporarily.

We haven't posted much recently, but its mostly because there hasn't been much to post. There is, indeed, little to report. We are miraculously disease free. No more herpes or zombie flu, no sleeping sickness or bot fly infections. I'm developing my instincts for knowing when a 3 year old is going to puke on my lap. My class of adorable angels just keep getting cuter and smarter by the minute. They can tell me to be careful when I trip over a bench while trying to give them more soup during lunch and give all the correct answers when I ask them, "Can you bite? Can you hit? Can you push?" All in English! We have a coffee maker and a DVD player and the season set of WeeDS thanks to Marcus and Pascale which I am now completely addicted to. We haven't been robbed or pick pocketed. No earthquakes or tsunamis. While I type this I am knocking on wood so loudly my knuckles are red and my next door neighbor thinks that I have bought a drum set. Life is good.
We got paid without problems and booked ourselves a flight to Krabi to do some long awaited climbing and some reconnaissance on living there come October. We've told our employer we won't be continuing past our contract. Bangkok has been better than expected but doesn't hold any of the things we came to Thailand to enjoy, except for spicy food and friendly people. The school, despite the commute, has been a great experience and Brett is wagering I'll spend 1 whole day crying over missing my class of little munchkins so much. Brett's class asks him questions like why do white people like dark skin and Thai people like whiter skin, which he answered very well, and why do people have eyebrows. I don't know about his answer to that.
We start Thai lessons next week, we've decided to save money for the move to Krabi and not buy a scooter and I have recently acquired a decent looking bottle of wine and found a grocery store that makes my mouth water and my wallet yearn for lightness. We are giving the following advisory: Don't go see Wanted. That's it, folks. Sorry for the lack of anything exciting to report.

P.S. Happy Birthday America. May you grow up enough to stop making stupid decisions and get over your pre-emptive self righteous bazooka phase that a 232 year old should be over.

In other news... Bush Tours America to Survey Damage Caused by His Disastrous Presidency

Top 3 things you don't want to hear, in Thailand or anywhere for that matter.

3. and I quote "Babe.......BABE.......BABE, you're not paying enough attention to my herpes sores." He's a charming devil, that one. Luckily those herpes sores are looking much better now.

2. "WREAGGGHHHH"... again. I was barely keeping it together as my body soared to a high high fever and my nausea keep getting stronger and then that dear little boy blew foul smelling chunks all over my classroom. I left school shortly there after in tears from a high fever and exhaustion and scaring everyone in my path, including the taxi driver who kept telling me to go to the hospital.

1. "I think you have the flu, but it could be Dengue. There is an outbreak of Dengue right now in Bangkok." I sat there, moribund, in the doctors office counting all the countless mosquito bites I've suffered in the past week.

Luckily, its the flu. The most atrocious, lay-you-flat-and-rob-you-of-your-will-to-live flu I have ever experienced. The symptoms started on Tuesday and I have just now found the energy to sit at the computer and type this out. But, on the bright side, at least its not dengue. Woohoo.

Herpes...but not that kind of herpes!

Three days ago I developed a raging headache. When I say raging I mean that it was bad enough to keep me from wanting to talk. I wasn't even talking to myself. I thought I was severely dehydrated so I started drinking more water.
About the same time I noticed three crazy bumps on my shoulder. I thought they were a weird cluster of pimples or just massive mosquito bites. Neither being an odd thing.
I went to work with my aching head and my tender 'pimples', got through my day, came home and spent the evenings lying on the couch, staring in the direction of the TV/wall, not speaking the whole evening.
The second day I asked Maya to have a look at my 'pimples' because they were really sore. I still had not connected them to my raging headache (now on day two). She did.
She said they looked funny. She said I should get them checked out. She said they were black on the inside. That sounded pretty strange, but they were on my shoulder blade so I couldn't really look at them.
Maya took a picture with the camera phone and, she was right, they were black. My first thought was maybe that it was some kind of mosquito-bite cum staph infection, knowing how prone I am to staph infections, but none of the other tell-tell signs of a staph infection were visible. No funny red lines tracing the path of my lymph system. No swelling. No puss bubbles.
I decided it wasn't staph and that maybe my backpack strap had scraped off the tops of the bites/pimples and the black dots in the center of them were just some kind of weird internal scab.

Not so lucky.

I also found it weird that I was developing another, very similar, cluster of odd looking bite-type things on my right tricep. Coincidence? I thought so. There are lots of mosquitoes in Thailand and I didn't have to think very hard before I decided that having similar bite patterns was probably not that odd of an occurrence.

Man, am I dumb.

Today was weird again. I woke up with the same intense headache I had gone to bed with, but that wasn't what was strange. I had been waking up with the same headache for a couple of days now. What was strange was that it felt like the back of my arm had been bruised, it was very tender and very sore.
My first thought was that I had possibly tried to deliver the 'flying elbow of vengence' to Maya at some point in the middle of the night to punish her, for unfailingly taking the blanket all the way over to the other side of the bed, and missed...possibly hitting the night stand instead but still failing to actually wake myself up. I decided not to ask Maya in case I might incriminate myself.
So, the soreness persisted in my arm and about half way through the day I felt the bruise spreading into my shoulder, down my arm, down my back and through my ribs. Still no visible signs of infection (bacterial, that is) I finally linked my raging headache to the funny thing on my back, though. I became intensely aware that the pulsing headache had roots under those crazy three black dots on my shoulder blade.
Headache persisting and invisible bruise growing, Maya began insisting. Go to a clinic, Brett. Go to a clinic, Brett. Go to a clinic, Brett.
I was stubborn. No. No. No. No.
Maya said, Are you ready? Let's go!
I said, O.K.
We went to the office of our building and asked for the closest clinic. Suphab, the matron of the building and, as it turns out, the neighborhood, was curious about why I was seeking out a clinic. I told her that I was afraid I had some kind of infection and wanted to get some things checked out. She gave us directions to the neighborhood clinic.
We got there. It wasn't open. We called back to the office of our building. Suphab suggested I had herpes. I winced. Herpes is bad and I couldn't think of anything that I had done that would warrant me breaking out in herpes on my shoulder blade and arm.
She came and picked us up and took us to the hospital.
Turns out it was herpes.
A better way to describe it might be like a muted case of the chicken pox.
Otherwise known as shingles. This is what wikipedia has to say on the subject:

Herpes zoster (or simply zoster), commonly known as shingles, is a viral diseaseblisters in a limited area on one side of the body. The initial infection with varicella zoster virus (VZV) causes the acute (short-lived) illness chickenpox, and generally occurs in children and young people. Once an episode of chickenpox has resolved, the virus is not eliminated from the body but can go on to cause shingles—an illness with very different symptoms—often many years after the initial infection.

Varicella zoster virus can become latent in the nerve cell bodies and less frequently in non-neuronal satellite cells of dorsal root, cranial nerve or autonomic ganglion,^[1] without causing any symptoms.^[2] In an immunocompromised individual, perhaps years or decades after a chickenpox infection, the virus may break out of nerve cell bodies and travel down nerve axonssegment and infect the corresponding dermatome^[3][4] Although the rash usually heals within two to four weeks, some sufferers experience residual nerve pain for months or years, a condition called postherpetic neuralgia. Exactly how the virus remains latent in the body, and subsequently re-activates is not understood.^[1]

If you can't read that because I have made it way too small, here is the link to the page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herpes_zoster.

That's my story for the week. I am currently on a program of skin ointment and antiviral pills that should keep me busy for the next seven days. Maya wants me to let you all know that she is too lazy to write her own post, so she wants me to tell you all that she got thrown up on, all over her lap, today. She knows it isn't as bad as shingles...but it is much smellier.

Lightening storms, algebra, and cab drivers who don't match their photos.

NEW RULE #1: If you get into a taxi and the photo of the driver in the cab license does not match the actual driver it is a good idea to put on your seatbelt and take your neck brace out of your bag and put it on.
NEW RULE #2: Always carry a neck brace in your bag in case you get into a taxi where the photo of the driver in the cab license does not match the actual driver.
NEW RULE #3: Be prepared that, when learning algebra, there is some kind of strange neurological electrical storm that begins to occur in the minds of 11 year old students that can cause them to spontaneously do something like this:
This move ends with the student landing on his feet behind his chair and then sitting down to return to copy the rules of angles from the board. The rules of angles are pretty straight forward. However, in the time it took me to write the eight rules to angles on the board one student managed to do this two times.
The eight rules are as follows:

1. The sum of angles on a straight line is 180 degrees
2. The sum of angles at a point is 360 degrees.
3. Vertically opposite angles are equal.
4. The sum of the angles of a triangle is 180 degrees.

5. An exterior angles of a triangle is equal to the sum of the two opposite interior angles.
6. An isosceles triangle has two equal sides. The base angles of an isosceles triangle are equal
7. An equilateral triangle is a triangle with three equal sides and three equal angles.
8. A rhombus and a parallelogram have two pairs of parallel lines.
Truly an amazing thing to catch out of the corner of your eye.
Which brings me to the thunderstorms in Bangkok. Also a truly amazing thing to behold and probably not terribly dissimilar to the event that is occurring in the minds of eleven year olds when studying algebra.
For a couple of nights in a row, Maya and I have turned off all the lights and sat on the couch watching the sky outside our window. We have seen some truly breathtaking demonstrations of the power of nature as thunderbolts have come shooting out of the sky close enough that we can't count to one before the sonic boom of thousands of pounds of superheated and quickly dissipated air rattle the very foundation of the building that we live in. And that is to say nothing of the rain that accompanies it. Luckily, the storms usually role in around ten o'clock at night so we have plenty of time to get in our after-work swim before Thor unleashes his wrath on this poor city in Thailand that has absolutely no idea who he even is.
As I write this blog I look like this:
Oh, and I should totally, like, be grading papers right now. Ha!